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Supporting someone who has been sexually assaulted

• Don’t ask why the rape or sexual assault happened or why they didn’t stop it happening. Asking this can make it sound as if you blame them for what happened, which could feel like another attack on them.

• Respect their feelings about physical touching. Many people who have been raped and sexually assaulted don’t want to be touched, particularly in the days after the assault. Even a comforting hug might upset them. Ask them if it’s OK, or let them make the first move. If you are in a sexual relationship, accept that sex may feel frightening to them at the moment. Respect their wishes and don’t put any pressure on them to have sex.

• Give practical support like offering to go with them to any appointments.

• Respect their decisions. People who have been assaulted are faced with a lot of decisions. Report the assault? Get checked out at a clinic? Ask for counselling? Decisions that might seem easy to you can feel awkward and embarrassing and extremely difficult to them. But remember that these decisions are theirs to make, and it’s important that they are allowed to make them. Don’t persuade or pressure them. And don’t go behind their backs to do what you think is the right thing.

• Don’t tell them to forget about what has happened. It will take time for them to work through the feelings and memories of what has happened. You can help them do this by listening to them and being patient.

• Don’t become the injured party. Recognise that they need to concentrate all their energy on themselves and so may not have enough strength to support or care for you at this moment.

If you want to contact the Havens for information on behalf of your friend, relative or partner, the staff will be happy to answer your questions. When it comes to offering specific advice, the staff will want to speak directly to the person who has been assaulted.